Archive for May, 2012

Great movies ruined by irrelevant and distracting love stories

Think about all the great movies that would’ve been vastly improved without a soppy-tear-jerker-I-need-a-Kleenex-love-story thrown in to please the females in the audience. Most movies can do without a meeting of the eyes across a ballroom, or the emotional tension as the hero characters fall in love in between battling elves, orcs and vertically-challenged hairy folk.

Perhaps it’s a tried and tested formula that producers believe needs to be included to be commercially successful, similar to Today Tonight always including a story blaming all of Australia’s problems on immigrants.

I can’t get a job? Immigrants.

The land values in Blacktown are expensive now? Immigrants.

My neighbour has 28 cats? Immigrants.

Dodgy real-estate agents? Immigrants.

My daughter had a $500 phone bill last month? Immigrants.

I have lung cancer? Immigrants.

I spent all my money on the pokies at Wenty Leagues and now nobody will help me with my gambling problem despite this obviously not being my fault? The Labour Party.

Sorry, back to my story: blokes want to see 4 things in a movie – guns, explosions, big machines and Angelina Jolie. If the addition of a sex scene is really that necessary to win an Oscar, include it in the first scene, blow the love-making couple up with an AK-47 and then get on with the fucking movie.

Some movies that would’ve been better without a love story include:

Pearl Harbour…this would have been more enjoyable if the director just focused on the bits we wanted to see – the bombs, guns and explosions. A love story involving the heroine and two guys should only have been included if it resulted in a three-way.

The Castlea classic Australian movie unfortunately tainted by the unrealistic newly wed love story between Con and Trace. In reality, bogan brides 2 months into their marriage wouldn’t be cavorting around Bonnydoon but would most likely be in the labour ward of a public hospital.

Titanic….an informative documentary totally ruined by a love story taking centre stage. To get my fix of big machinery I’ve since succumbed to watching Mighty Structures.

Ice Age 2….the sexual tension between Sid the female woolly mammoth and the two possums detracted from the core theme of the movie; the central character’s desire for self-actualisation by fore-warning society of the detrimental ecological impacts of climate change. Reflect upon the physical logistics of the scenario between the woolly mammoth and the possums; what were the perverted producers thinking anyway?

Romeo and Juliet…..don’t even get me started on this. This film was supposed to be about bikie gangs right?

In the wild, a sexual partnership between a woolly mammoth and 2 possums is statistically unlikely

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May 15, 2012 at 10:46 pm Leave a comment

Shopping list combinations that will get you odd looks at the checkout

Preparation for Date Night

  • 2 x bottles – Wolf Blass Shiraz Cabernet Sauvignon Red Label
  • 1 x packet – Double Coated Chocolate Tim Tams
  • 2 x packets – unscented tea light candles
  • 1 x packet – Durex Fetherlite Ultra condoms
  • 1 x HomeBrand size 14 green female school uniform
  • 1 x wooden spoon

Terrorise This

  • 1 x 10L red bucket
  • 1 x 10KG bag – pool chlorine
  • 1 x 500ML bottle – Castrol Brake Fluid
  • 1 x 2L bottle – cloudy bathroom amonia
  • 1 x ball of string
  • 1 x packet – RedHead matches

Bachelor’s Shopping List

  • 1 x box – McCain Ham & Pineapple frozen pizza
  • 5 x tubes – Durex Play Sensations Lube
  • 1 x packet – Chux Sensitive disposable rubber globes
  • 2 x fresh continentel cucumbers
  • 1 x checkered tea towel
  • 1 x packet – Band-aid Plastic Strips Extra Wide
  • 1 x fluffy pillow
  • 1 x 24pk box – Panadol Pain Relief Caplets
It’s Been a Tough Life
  • 5 x bottles – Wolf Blass Shiraz Cabernet Sauvignon Red Label
  • 5 x packets – Mortein rat poison
Emo Party
  • 1 x Best of Slipknot CD
  • 2 x packets – Covergirl Lash Blast 24hr Black Mascara
  • 1 x packet – Gillete Mach 3 razor blades
  • 1 x packet – sewing needles, assorted sizes
  • 1 x packet – Band-aid Plastic Strips Extra Wide
  • 1 x packet  – The Natural Confectionery Company assorted fruit pastels
The Munchies
  • 10 x packets – Tally Ho rolling papers
  • 2 x packets – RedHead matches
  • 10 x 2L bottles –  Coca Cola
  • 23 x packets – Smiths Salt ‘n Vinegar chips 175g
  • 1 x 24pk box – Panadol Pain Relief Caplets
Christian Rave
  • 1 x Australian Christian Dance Music Compilation Volume 3 CD
  • 2 x boxes – Christmas fairy lights
  • 5 x packets – fluorescent pens
  • 2 x packets – disposable plastic cups
  • 10 x bottles – Lambrusco non-alcoholic wine
30 Minute Meal
  • 1 x 440g packet – Kantong Hokkien Noodles
  • 1 x bunch – fresh buk choi
  • 1 x 250ML bottle – Soy Sauce
  • 1 x 500ML bottle – Maggi Oyster Sauce
  • 1 x 1.1KG can – Chum 3 Meats, So Chumpy You Can Carve It

This product is often a source of confusion in Chinatown Woolworths

May 1, 2012 at 5:24 pm 1 comment