Posts tagged ‘America’

Observations from America

America, fuck yeah.

I noticed quite a few Aussies in New York and they weren’t our finest specimens. One extremely loud Aussie on the subway honestly thought she was from Orange County, not Orange. Every sentence of her winey drawl started with oh my god. E.g. “Oh my god, American guys are like SO cute”…”Oh my god my tits look SO small in this top”… “Oh my god I told him I’m a virgin, do you think he believed me?”

Another Aussie I met in a pub in Harlem was actually wearing an oversized floral sweater because he thought he looked cool. I told him that the only people that wear floral sweaters are those that suffer from a single missing chromosome. He thought that was funny, I actually had intended it as an insult.

There are loads of buskers on the NYC subway. Almost every train features a performer ranging in quality from:

Wow-your-voice-is-so-sexy-I’m-contemplating-the-gayhood

to

Pass-me-a-shotgun-so-I-can-destroy-his-illusions-that-reciting-unrhyming-poetry-will-earn-money

There are even more homeless people. American homeless really put in an effort to be respectful and polite, and will often walk through the trains vocally describing elaborate images of their family’s situation in order to gain a few pennies. Australian homeless rarely go to that much effort and think that masturbating in public will extract enough sympathy from passersby to throw money.

Baltimore is a shithole, don’t go there. In fact the word Baltimore comes from the Latin words Baltius which translates as ‘boring’ and Moricus which means ‘as fuck’. Baltimore has more concrete than a Greek family’s front yard. It is littered in grey factories spewing out more noxious gases than a group of teenage boys after a baked-bean eating competition. Whoever wrote Good Morning Baltimore was either high, taking the piss, working for the tourist board, or all three. Look I know Baltimore is historically and symbolically significant, so I hope I haven’t offended any Ceppos reading this. If I have, please take a semi-automatic into your local school and start shooting, it’ll make you famous.

In Australia, most pubs and bars are more or less of a similar standard, unless of course you are in Campbelltown. In NYC, the range in quality is enormous. A cocktail bar in Soho sells drinks that cost roughly the same price to smuggle a South East Asian sex slave in the country. On the lower end, a dive bar in Bushwick sells beers in styrofoame cups made from recycled-hamburger-packaging-bought-using-welfare-cheques. This beer was called Brooklyn Bitter but really should have been called Watered Down Homeless Man Urine.

Accents in New York are similarly wide in range. Previously I thought all New Yorkers sound the same, probably similar to how people think all Asians look the same.

When Americans come to Australia, all our local girls go gaga over their accents. In fact, the male American accent is single-handedly driving the Australian lubricant industry out of business.

Anyway, accents in NYC range from:

Ghetto Style – “Look at me again and I’ll pop your fuckin knee caps”.

New Jersey Style – “I have a taandancy to over prooonouunce my vowels and um not from Nuuuw Yaawk City”.

Williamsburg, Brooklyn Style – “I found this beret on the ground, so now I’m wearing it”.

Chinatown Style – “How many duck you wan?”

Upper East Side Style – “Waiter please… there’s an Asian man in this restaurant and it is putting me off my entree”.

Southern Girl Trying To Make It On Broadway Style – “I’m auditioning tomorrow for a show and he wants me to take my clothes off so he can see how the colour of my skin will reflect under the theatre lights”.

Newly Arrived Eastern European Immigrant Style – “Im Puland uh im midi cool suuurgin, im Nu York a junnh ita”.

Braindead Aussie Who Thinks She’s From O.C. Style – “Oh my god there’s like so many black people in New York, they’re SO cute…like big vegemite men”.

People seem to be a lot more patriotic in America, and this features heavily in the naming of things. For instance, there’s George Bush Drive, Liberty Fries, Freedom Tower, Independence Day, Democracy Avenue etc. I’m sure there’s a sex shop somewhere in the USA where you can buy a Clinton-Clit-Tickler to complement your Yankee-Beads. You can probably even buy a Michelle Obama Doll. OK, too far?

We’re nowhere near as patriotic in Australia, because frankly we don’t give a shit. If we named things after what we cared about we’d drive down Ben Cousins Avenue to go to work in Gallipolli Tower. For lunch we’d eat Chuck a Sickie Burgers washed down with a pint of Kevin 07 Brew at the Cold Chisel Beer Garden. In the evenings we’d take our special someone out for a drink at the Fuck Off Boat People Cocktail Bar followed by a concert at the Spent 2 Years Completely Pissed In England And Now I Have An STD Opera House and finished off with a late night stroll along the sand at the We Blindly Followed Britain Into A War We Didn’t Know Anything About And Lost Thousands Of Men In Our Worst Military Disaster And We’re Commemorating Not Celebrating This As A National Holiday Beach.

Everything is bigger in America

Everything is bigger in America

January 11, 2013 at 2:34 am Leave a comment