Posts tagged ‘Australian TV’

Eurovision 2009

Following on from my rant on the sad nature of Australian television, I’m finding myself sitting on the couch watching Eurovision Moskva 2009.

Next to me, my girlfriend is rapt at the ‘live’ history being written in front of our eyes. She cannot understand why I am currently laughing harder than Dr Hibbert in a pot-smoking session. As a European she takes this very seriously, Eurovision being such an integral part of their culture and all. Nowadays, mainland European toddlers can sing last years Eurovision winning song “Your Love Is All Over My Face” before they can walk.

Isn’t it amusing how all Russian Eurovision TV presenters (well, at least these two anyway) insist on shouting at the absolute top of their voices.

They must believe we will be a bit more forgiving of their rudimentary English if they imagine they’re communicating with down-syndrome deaf pensioners.

10 minutes earlier, the barbie-doll blonde and gay-sailor Fabio lookalike male presenter (I’ll call them Botox-Mole and Popeye as I can’t spell their names) introduced “Eurovision – 2009’s Most-Anticipated Event” (according to the tv ad…I’m confused here because the man at the train station said the second coming of Jesus is this year) with the following dialogue:

Popeye: “HELLO!!!!”

Botox-Mole: “HELLO!!!!”

“HELLO EUROPE!!!!”

“HELLO EVERYBODY!!!!”

“WELCOME EUROVISION!!!!!”

“HELLO!!!!”

“WELCOME!!!”

“HELLO WELCOME EUROVISION!!!!”

….and with that, the first act went on.

Eurovision is for original music only. In 2008, the Czech Republic was disqualified for performing a cover version of 'YMCA'

Eurovision rules stipulate original music only. Czech Republic was disqualified for performing a cover version of 'YMCA'

Andorra sang “Gimme gimme your time, Show me show me your mind”. The entire song consisted of those same lyrics. Pretty thought provoking.

Belarus was quite good if you fancy 50 year old long-haired blonde men in skin-tight white suits with pierced ears and waxed chests.

Armenia’s singer got his costume inspiration from the second installment of Lord of the Rings. His dancers were inspired by the second installment of Harry Potter.

Macedonia looked like a cross between Meatloaf and Buddha, sounded like it too. Okay, admittedly I’ve personally never heard Buddha sing (although my mate Davo fervently insists that he has) but you get the point.  Imagine if they did pair up to do a song, their comeback song could be called “Reincarnated Bat Out Of Hell”.

Finland wore a bandanna in an attempt to emulate Kid Rock. He actually resembled (visually and audibly) a throat-cancer patient.

Portugal attempted the virginal Sound-Of-Music look with frilly dresses. However, this was contrasted by over-enthusiastic musicians with exaggerated hand-movements strumming inappropriately sized instruments (is it really necessary to swing your arm Elvis-like in a circular motion when playing a 20cm ukulele made from bone?).

Malta made the bold decision to front their best vocalist in the country, regardless of looks, bust or hamstring-flexibility. The result was a grossly over-weight redhead squeezed into a size 10 sparkly dress who reminded me of Miss-Piggy doing karaoke.

Boznia Herzegovina (try telling that to the ladies next time you’re asked where you’re from) basically just sang their national anthem over-zealously in reggae. Shivers down the spine.

…oh wait Botox-Mole and Popeye are back on:

“THANK YOU EUROVISION 2009!!!!”

“HELLO!!!!”

“WE VOTE NOW!!!!”

“WHOA!!!!”

“OKAY EVERYBODY!!!!”

“HELLO WHOOOOO!!!!”

“EVERYBODY VOTE TV OKAY!!!!”

“HELLO VOTE!!!!”

“EUROPE VOTING!!!!”

“WELCOME EUROVISION VOTING!!!!”

I can’t wait for the box-set DVD.

May 15, 2009 at 10:02 pm 1 comment

Australian TV

It’s been a while since last wrote – I’d love to say it’s because I’ve been busy searching for the cure for cancer, or learning German so I can speak to the in-laws, or finding a way to convert cane-toad flesh into a sustainable alternative energy source.

The truth is, I’ve been busy drinking, working, and watching the Australian Biggest Loser on tv.

I’ts not that I love The Biggest Loser – in fact I loathe the show. Who really wants to see a bunch of overweight, whiny, sweaty people in tight shorts? Just wonder down to Bondi Beach and look at any Brit baking in the sun and you can have your share of that.

Thanks to the Biggest Loser, I can now take my shirt off in public without getting arrested

Thanks to the Biggest Loser, I can now take my shirt off in public without getting arrested

It’s just that there is simply nothing else on Australian tv. The tv-powers that be have decided that the Australian public aren’t the most durable condoms in the packet and thrust brain-dead ‘reality-tv’ upon us every day (‘condoms’, ‘thrust’ – there must be something on my mind).

Watch ‘current affair’ programs on tv these days (especially Today Tonight) and you’d assume that we’re all about to die from swine-flu passed on to us from the Asian refugees that are arriving by the boatload every minute to take our jobs and lower our property values, the hospitals won’t be able to accommodate us because they are so full that pregnant women are having their babies in the waiting room, and the child that grows up anyway won’t be able to go to school because the conservatives under the previous evil regime had reserved all the good schools for the rich…and the Asians. But never mind, with fuel prices up 1100% in the last 45 years, you won’t be able to afford to drive them anyway.

But alas, never-mind because on tonight’s exclusive episode we uncover a real estate scam happening in your neighbourhood. Rich landlords refusing to re-paint tenant’s letterboxes. We reveal the hidden shocking truth and speak to real victims that are just like you.

May 13, 2009 at 12:56 pm Leave a comment