Posts tagged ‘Chai Lattes’

10 Things The Modern Man Doesn’t Understand

Unfortunately for my sanity today, I left my book at home. Subsequently, I had to face my morning commute with nothing to do except ponder the meaning of life (fishing), eavesdrop on conversations, and stare at the vandalism that brain-dead youths with short-man syndrome inflicted on the carriage walls.

Ever the list maker and inspired by the conversation between two females discussing the strengths and weaknesses of Loreal compared to Nivea, I formed the following list of 10 Things The Modern Man Doesn’t Understand:

  1. Desperate Housewives. Add to that Sex In The City and Gray’s Anatomy. Face it – we don’t care about Carrie’s latest boyfriend’s sleeping habits and we certainly don’t want to discuss it. We’re only watching this because we’re trying to gain nookie points. We’d much rather be watching the Monday Night Football.
  2. Women’s Adversity to Football. Rugby League, Soccer, AFL, Traditional Iberian 3-Legged Football – whatever your footy code, the chances are your missus would rather snort chili powder than spend 2 hours watching your team on the tele.
  3. Lily Allen. She’s not ‘cute’, can’t sing and pretends to be white trash. To my horror, Triple M (traditionally a rock station) is ‘diversifying’ (i.e. becoming gay), and playing Lily Allen once an hour.
  4. Reality TV. Seriously, on behalf of all society – please treat us with some kind of intellectual respect. “Coming up in Big Brother. The housemates’ game of Rock, Scissors, Paper has driven Ang to tears. She tells us all about this terrifying experience in the Diary Room.”
  5. Ugly Babies.  You know the type. The screaming, wrinkly little bundles of venom that are pushed around the shopping centre which all women within a 5m radius will inevitably ‘ooh’ and ‘ahh’ at.  They’re not cute. In fact they resemble over sized scrotum’s.
  6. Short Hair On Women. You’ll either look like a lesbian or a chai-latte drinking arts student who can’t afford the chai-latte she’s drinking. The same goes for fringes – you know the type that Lily Allen has made ‘fashionable’. Definitely not attractive. It looks stupid.
  7. Emoticons. Smily faces 🙂 Tongue pokey faces 😛   If you are a pimply 15 year old (or have the emotional intelligence of one), fine. For everyone else, not fine.
  8. Why Women Don’t Understand Fishing. Men have traditionally been hunters and providers. Fishing with our mates is in our instinct (and bragging about who was the biggest ‘provider’ at the pub afterwards).
  9. Bright Red Lips and Blue Mascara. It’s not classy. You’ll look like a twenty-dollar hooker. Don’t believe me? If a man bought you twenty-dollar’s worth of drinks at the bar, having this ‘look’ will make him assume you’ll sleep with him. Either that or you’ll look like Lily Allen.
  10. Gen Y’ers That Talk Like They’re From the O.C. Like, you know…that’s like SO not cute.

April 16, 2009 at 10:05 pm 3 comments

Chai-latte drinking qualities in a spouse

Is chai latte drinking a desirable aspect in a future spouse?

When considering potential partner-attributes, how much is too much of a quality? Where do you draw the line?

I had a beer last night with my old primary school friends KennyD and NavMan (they say hi by the way).

KennyD is looking for a girlfriend.

….on a side note, I thought I’d give a shout out to all my female readers out there. If you like smart, sophisticated, American computer scientists who like walks along the beach, Harley Davidson’s and can recite the periodic table of elements backwards (I’ve seen him do it at age 8, it’s actually very impressive. He can also do it in Latin)….then KennyD is your man. Email me for more details.

Karate and quadratic equations are KennyD's strengths

Karate and quadratic equations are KennyD's strengths

Anyhoo, KennyD has two new flatmate additions to his house. The first is a guy who is one of Australia’s leading graphic-designers specialising in 18th Century Stylistic Oriental Typography. He currently works the afternoon shift at Video Ezy as Senior Product Replacement Officer (he stacks shelves).

The second flatmate is a female who in KennyD’s words  is “a bit too arty”.

Hang on a minute. What exactly does “too arty” entail?

Don’t get me wrong, an ‘arty’ quality in a partner can definitely be a desirable attribute. I’m thinking modern apartments that feature nice hand-painted splashes of colour on framed canvas. You know, the kind that you see at the Tate Modern that look like a blind 3-year down-syndrome paraplegic painted with a paintbrush in his mouth….only to read the price tag ever so closely to see the painting valued at £500,000.

Sorry, getting sidetracked. The point is, how arty is too arty? Where do you draw the line and say “hang on a minute honey, no I don’t want to see the photography exhibition at the Australian Art Gallery this weekend featuring visual exhibits of the endangered Botswana tree frog.I’d rather go to the pub with Robbo instead.”

KennyD explained that she frequents establishments that specialise in chai latte’s.

We established last night that yes it is safe for KennyD to pursue this woman, but he should definitely draw the line if he ever sees her ordering an artificially sweetened soy chai latte with yeast-free Vegemite on wheat-free toast washed down with diet-sparkling water.

Thankfully, such specimens of female are strictly confined to Surry Hills.

March 19, 2009 at 12:28 pm 2 comments