Posts tagged ‘God’

Eurovision 2009

Following on from my rant on the sad nature of Australian television, I’m finding myself sitting on the couch watching Eurovision Moskva 2009.

Next to me, my girlfriend is rapt at the ‘live’ history being written in front of our eyes. She cannot understand why I am currently laughing harder than Dr Hibbert in a pot-smoking session. As a European she takes this very seriously, Eurovision being such an integral part of their culture and all. Nowadays, mainland European toddlers can sing last years Eurovision winning song “Your Love Is All Over My Face” before they can walk.

Isn’t it amusing how all Russian Eurovision TV presenters (well, at least these two anyway) insist on shouting at the absolute top of their voices.

They must believe we will be a bit more forgiving of their rudimentary English if they imagine they’re communicating with down-syndrome deaf pensioners.

10 minutes earlier, the barbie-doll blonde and gay-sailor Fabio lookalike male presenter (I’ll call them Botox-Mole and Popeye as I can’t spell their names) introduced “Eurovision – 2009’s Most-Anticipated Event” (according to the tv ad…I’m confused here because the man at the train station said the second coming of Jesus is this year) with the following dialogue:

Popeye: “HELLO!!!!”

Botox-Mole: “HELLO!!!!”

“HELLO EUROPE!!!!”

“HELLO EVERYBODY!!!!”

“WELCOME EUROVISION!!!!!”

“HELLO!!!!”

“WELCOME!!!”

“HELLO WELCOME EUROVISION!!!!”

….and with that, the first act went on.

Eurovision is for original music only. In 2008, the Czech Republic was disqualified for performing a cover version of 'YMCA'

Eurovision rules stipulate original music only. Czech Republic was disqualified for performing a cover version of 'YMCA'

Andorra sang “Gimme gimme your time, Show me show me your mind”. The entire song consisted of those same lyrics. Pretty thought provoking.

Belarus was quite good if you fancy 50 year old long-haired blonde men in skin-tight white suits with pierced ears and waxed chests.

Armenia’s singer got his costume inspiration from the second installment of Lord of the Rings. His dancers were inspired by the second installment of Harry Potter.

Macedonia looked like a cross between Meatloaf and Buddha, sounded like it too. Okay, admittedly I’ve personally never heard Buddha sing (although my mate Davo fervently insists that he has) but you get the point.  Imagine if they did pair up to do a song, their comeback song could be called “Reincarnated Bat Out Of Hell”.

Finland wore a bandanna in an attempt to emulate Kid Rock. He actually resembled (visually and audibly) a throat-cancer patient.

Portugal attempted the virginal Sound-Of-Music look with frilly dresses. However, this was contrasted by over-enthusiastic musicians with exaggerated hand-movements strumming inappropriately sized instruments (is it really necessary to swing your arm Elvis-like in a circular motion when playing a 20cm ukulele made from bone?).

Malta made the bold decision to front their best vocalist in the country, regardless of looks, bust or hamstring-flexibility. The result was a grossly over-weight redhead squeezed into a size 10 sparkly dress who reminded me of Miss-Piggy doing karaoke.

Boznia Herzegovina (try telling that to the ladies next time you’re asked where you’re from) basically just sang their national anthem over-zealously in reggae. Shivers down the spine.

…oh wait Botox-Mole and Popeye are back on:

“THANK YOU EUROVISION 2009!!!!”

“HELLO!!!!”

“WE VOTE NOW!!!!”

“WHOA!!!!”

“OKAY EVERYBODY!!!!”

“HELLO WHOOOOO!!!!”

“EVERYBODY VOTE TV OKAY!!!!”

“HELLO VOTE!!!!”

“EUROPE VOTING!!!!”

“WELCOME EUROVISION VOTING!!!!”

I can’t wait for the box-set DVD.

Advertisements

May 15, 2009 at 10:02 pm 1 comment

Does God need to review his sales strategy?

God must have a lot of money as he everywhere, controls the world and basically is one hella influential dude.

We can therefore assume that like any decent household brand, he solidly routinely invests in his marketing and sales strategy to drive brand advocacy.

Wrong.

Winter.

London.

Camden to be exact.

I hop out of the tube and am confronted with what appears to be a cross between Santa Clause, a diabetic Colonel Sanders and a salivating homeless bum. This creature (who unsurprisingly has an odour resembling my grandmother’s feet) is holding a hand-painted placard that stipulates in no uncertain terms “all unbelievers will burn in the fiery fathoms of hell”.

Roger is currently refining his communication skils

Roger is currently refining his communication skills

He is yelling “IF YOUR RIGHT HAND CAUSES YOU TO SIN, CUT IT OFF AND THROW IT AWAY FROM YOU!!!””

Excuse me?

Firstly, if Roger The Bum’s words were to be truly adhered to, there would be a lot of sorry-looking one-handed adolescent boys walking around the streets of London.

Secondly, what if you are left handed and have already taken Roger’s advice? How are you mean to throw it away? Headbutt it?

Thirdly, who incorporates the words ‘fathoms’ in everyday English literature?

Seriously, if God is serious about driving subscriptions, he should review his sales strategy and perhaps employ a professional marketing agency.

April 8, 2009 at 6:52 pm Leave a comment