Posts tagged ‘Melbourne’

What I’ve been up to in the past 901 days

Wow, it’s been exactly 901 days since my last post. I’ve decided to start blogging again due to an overwhelming demand from my regular readers (I’m talking about YOU Nastya in Moldova).

In fact it’s my personal goal in 2012 to increase my blog readership by 20%. I’ve set the stretch goal of 6 readers a year now.

I’m sitting on the couch with a quarter full bottle of ‘white’ wine that I found at the back of my fridge. I suspect the wine has been hidden here for 901 days. Note that ‘white’ is an operative word; Dulux would describe the colour of the furry liquid in my glass as ‘stage II melanoma brown’.

Oh well, surely there should be some alcohol in this glass coexisting amongst the numerous questionable orange-coloured floaties. hmm…it’s certainly having an effect, it feels like I’ve consumed a bloody mary followed by a swig of premium unleaded.

“So Jeffro what have you been up to in the past 901 days” I hear you ask? Well, not much:

I moved to Melbourne. Yes…the land of Mexicans, a unique part of the world where people drink coffee at any time of day or night. No wonder why Shane Warne has so much energy for an elderly man.

Melbourne is also an artsy place. Everywhere you look there’s a fucking art gallery. There’s a growing trend of bored unemployed 20-somethings (i.e. philosophy graduates) to open art gallerys in their houses.

The other day I walked past an art gallery showcasing watercolour paintings of microwave ovens. On the subject of artsy, it’s socially acceptable in suburbs north of the river to wear a beret. Seriously, in Sydney you’d get beaten up for even saying the word ‘beret’. In Melbourne there’s specialist beret-shops.

Shopping in Melbourne is a favourite past-time. Many people develop a painful aching of the wrist known as ‘swipe-itis’ caused by frequent swiping of credit cards using the right hand. It’s most common in women, if a bloke said that he’d get laughed out of the pub.

I’ve visited far away, foreign places such as India, China, Spain, HK and Tasmania. Each of these exotic places taught me something new e.g. how to practice positive visualisation when crouching over a toilet bowl in extreme agony with Bombay-belly, how it’s best not to ask what category of animal you’re eating from a street-stall in China, how to save face when being robbed by two Spanish girls, how the practice of abandoning soiled underwear in a nearby bathroom is not socially acceptable after doing the world’s highest bungee jump in Macau, and how to avoid bogans.

I’ve started an MBA. No, not the ‘Mexican Bogan Academy’, ‘Mindnumbingly Boring Artgallery’ or ‘Mary’s Bloody Arsehole’. I made the decision to go back to uni part-time after my enthusiasm for various other extra-curricular activities waned. I tried my hand at stand-up comedy for a while but mostly got as many chuckles as Tony Abbott addressing a group of assylum seekers. Hosting a community radio show was fun for about a year, however when the ratings came out we finished lower than the Victorian Dyslexic Alpaca Farmers Talkback Show.

A couple of numbers from the past 901 days:

901 = number of days I’ve thought about sex

3 = number of Christmases I’ve been disappointed by my present-haul

1 = number of times I’ve been robbed by two girls in Madrid

Our forefathers fought for this

February 9, 2012 at 9:48 pm 1 comment