Posts tagged ‘Practical Jokes’

A cruel practical joke

I discovered yesterday that I have been the victim of a cruel, heartless and devastating practical joke.

OK sure I have been known to dish out practical jokes on my friends with more enthusiasm than a paedophile watching the local primary school play.

I’d like to use this post as an opportunity to formally apologise to Ceps for doing bad things to his toothbrush. I’d also like to extend an apology to Jimmi for the Captain America suit, to Davo for the hair gel and to Midget for the male escort listings on Gumtree. I’d finally like to say sorry to Mr Chan from Cape Town Golden Dragon Chinese Restaurant for ordering 120 spring rolls for takeaway…..from 12,000 kms away.

Usually I can handle retaliation jokes with grace and dignity. I have certainly experienced my fare share of pranks ranging from drinking dubious pints of ‘beer’ to being placed under the impression that I had offended the Australian chapter of the Polish mafia.

However, this latest action from an unidentified prankster is a monstrosity on such a scale that I doubt I will recover.

You see….yesterday I was browsing through my iPod….and….to my horror….discovered that some cruel person had uploaded on my iPod….the entire back catalogue of…..

Lady….

Fucking….

Ga Ga….

I am shaking from sheer disgust even as I write this. Whoever committed this venomous act, I will find you and bring you to justice. I now need a new iPod because it is most certainly ruined forever.

What if I were to have a house party with my music on shuffle, when all of a sudden I Like It Rough appears over the speakers?

Even that song irritates me because if is obviously about her fetish for facial hair….something which I unfortunately can never grow due to genetic reasons.

Or what if god forbid I were jogging in Albert Park listening to random rock songs when suddenly Bad Romance started playing. I would surely trip and fall over, possibly hurting my foot. Perhaps I could sue her for this.

A frequent interrogation tactic used by the US military is to play Lady Gaga on repeat at loud volumes

A frequent US military interrogation tactic is to play Lady Gaga on repeat at loud volumes

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February 10, 2013 at 9:44 am 1 comment

Things That All Men Find Funny

There are some things in life that all men find funny regardless of their race or social status.

1. A blow to the testicles. It’s a fact that all men will laugh at the misfortune of another man when a cricket ball hits him in his bloke-berries (call it whatever… the nut butter tank, the hanging meatballs, the salty protein grapes, the chin pounders etc). It’s even better when caught on camera and submitted to Australia’s Funniest Home Videos.

I’ve experienced this on a personal level many times. Throughout my life my man-marbles have been subjected to numerous poundings including hits from rugby balls, tuna cans, pub fights, tree branches, the head of Robbo’s guitar and a hard whack from the mid-pole of my bike when the seat fell off last year whilst doing 40km/h on Bondi Road.

Dick Punch

Dick Punch

2. Diarrhea. Face it, it’s funny. In fact the subject of  “spray-can poo” dominates approximately 60% of any conversation my mate Ceps initiates. He has stories to beat the best of my stories, and believe me I have a lot of experience. Today I had a day-procedure at hospital to test for colon cancer. I’ll write about this traumatising experience in another post, but I’ll stay on topic for now. The point is, I’ve been shitting through a straw for the past 48 hours as I had to consume a vile drink that tasted of dish-washing water mixed with children’s snot, brussel sprouts and sugar. Why is it that all medicines contain obscene amounts of sugar in an attempt to mask the horrid taste? It’s similar to putting a dinner dress on a fat, ugly whore – it’ll be a bad experience either way.

Anyway, the demon-drink caused sudden explosive diarrhea approximately every hour in an effort to clean out my guts prior to the procedure. Consequently, my arse is now as sore as a Thai Lady-boy’s during an economic boom period. But the point is it was funny even for me; I was giggling like a Chinese schoolgirl in a Hello Kitty store whenever I had to run to the toilet. This was despite my desperate attempts to squeeze my butt cheeks together using nothing but mind-control. My girlfriend also thought it was funny, until the stench carried from the bathroom to the lounge-room where she was was trying to sew. I loved watching her head suddenly turn sharply to the right as she got whacked by the poo bat.

3. Watching English backpackers being rescued at Bondi Beach. OK so I’m not a sick weirdo that enjoys observing our tea-drinking cousins actually drowning. In fact, the death rate of Brits dying from over consumption of Bondi sea-water is actually non-existent thanks to our totally awesome life-savers who are volunteering their time I must add. I simply mean it is rather funny watching them struggling in the water – shiny, pale and over-weight. In fact, they often resemble albino baby-seals learning how to paddle. 200 years ago, the Australian Aborigines also probably thought this was humorous, and potentially paved the way for our obsession with others misfortune:

Aboriginal 1: Oi bro, check out the white-fella drowning. Should we save him bro?

Aboriginal2: Nah bro, leave him. Lets re-enact his drowning at “Australia’s Funniest Home Corroborree”.

4. Playing practical jokes on your passed out friend. Every man has done/had it done: from painting ‘Chelsea Smiles’ on his face, to sticking stiff orange vegetables in warm orifices, to shaving off every piece of body-hair he has.

TIP: Plan your bucks/stag night at least one week before the wedding

TIP: Plan your bucks/stag night at least one week before the wedding

I believe that practical jokes on drunk friends truly do transcend all cultures:

Japan: “Let us see if Hiroshi wakes up if we rub wasabi on his pee-hole”

America: “Hey man, why the fuck do I have a safety pin through my nipple?”

India: “We will dip a condom in tandoori sauce and put it down Kumar’s underpants”

Australia: “AH CRAP AH CRAP I PISSED MYSELF!!! Oh wait, dammit Kenno did you pour warm water on my crotch again?!”

June 3, 2009 at 10:10 pm 1 comment